The Pokédex

Butterfree
It's a butterfly. That shoots spores. Not the deadly kind, but the friendly put-you-to-sleep kind. Now if it shot deadly spores of darkness, so that all would bow before its dark reign of terror, then it would kick ass. But no, instead its this pansy ass flying insect that is used by perverted trainers to have sex with. In fact, this pokémon is said to feel so incredibly close to a human during intercourse that some people can't tell the difference when blind folded!

Caterpie
Caterpie is to Ash as horny bugs are to horny guys. He's so horny he tries to hump Misty's leg. You know that string shot move he has? You thought it was spider web? Hah. That's all jizz baby. So much so that if you're female you best be dodging that shit. It's extremely potent. And you'd have weird half-caterpie half-human mutant babies. Wait a sec. That would rock! Go head, take it all in head on.

Meowth
Nothing more friendly than a talking cat with a New Jersey accent. I can see Meowth now, cruising around good ol' N.J. Meeting up with Jay and Silent Bob. Liting up a few dubies. Then Jesse would catch him and bitch at him for doing drugs because drugs are bad or something. Even though she regularly breaks the law anyway. Whatever.

Metapod
Probably the most pointless pokémon in the known universe. All this little bastard can do is sit there. That's it. He can "harden" so he takes less damage. But he cannot attack. At all. I wonder what creative genius thought of this one, because he must have no imagination at all. Couldn't they at least have given him spikes or something? Like quills, that shoot out. And he could shoot randomly, hitting himself and his attacker, as well as his trainer. And they could be poison! So it could be like "Attack Metapod! *stab* Agh! I'm dead!"

Onix
Me Onix! Me smash things! Me big rock snake thing! Me get angry! Me no like being slave! Me start smashing Brock! Me smashed Brock's head! Me kill people! Dead bodies go splurch! Me no like this! Me smash myself! Me too strong! Me can't smash me! Me smash you!

Pidgey
Pidgey is by far the world's stupidest pokémon. When a pidgey is not struggling with basic concepts such as "Trainer bad!" and "Pokéball bad!", it's walking right off of a cliff and dying, totally forgetting the fact that it can fly. Pidgeys are also extremely common and extremely easy to catch. Ash, however, still utterly failed at catching one. Goes to show yah that even the stupidest pokémon can be smarter than a human.

Pikachu
Surviving mostly on old cans of dog food and other various debris, Pikachu is most well known for his acting career. The star of many feature films, including Driving Over Miss Daisy and Sweaty Pokémon Ass II - Asian Fantasies, Pikachu has seen the fame and fortune of any Hollywood actor. However, his career went downhill once he got into drugs. His friends had an intervention, but the stress of the idea put so much pressure on his drug-adled heart that he passed away into the next dimension. Wait, I'm pretty sure that's not the right anime. Hey this isn't about Pikachu at all! Oh well, fuck redoing the whole thing.