The TV shows images of monsters battling.
Ash, a 12 year old boy from Pallet town, sits in his room, excited about getting his first pokémon tomorrow. You see, in Pokémon Island's screwed up economy, becoming an adult at age 12 and making little sentient monsters battle, sometimes against their will, in a bloody massacre akin to cock fighting means free food and board in many places around the island even though nobody ever seems to PURCHASE a ticket to a pokémon match to pay for all this. In fact maybe they're a bunch of red commie bastards, but back to the story...
Ash: Yeah! I get my first pokémon tomorrow! Kick ass!
Ash's Mom: Ash calm down and go to bed. You have a bed time even though tomorrow you'll live the rest of your life completely unsupervised and most likely become a crack addict.
Ash: Ok. (goes to bed and falls asleep)
Ash: (dreaming) Which do I want...
The next morning.
Ash: (wakes up) Oh shit! I'm late! Run run! (leaves house in his official Pokémon underwear)
(falls over after running into Gary)
Ash: Gary?
Gary: That's right Ash! I'm already ahead of you. Apparently you suck big fat hairy, well, you know. Because, despite the fact that I obviously have more talent, being a smug and annoying person means I'll eventually lose, as it is necessary to the childish level of symbolism in the story.
Ash: Grr, I hate that Gary!
Gary: Exactly.
Ash: (runs into Professor Oak's lab, panting) Am I too late?
Oak: Take your pick Ash. (exposes three tiny red balls)
Ash: Ok, I guess I'll take...this one! (grabs one of the balls only to find it empty)
Oak: Sorry Ash. That pokémon was taken by someone who was actually on time.
Ash: Damn. Ok how about this one? (grabs another only to find it empty also) What the hell?
Oak: That one was also taken by someone on time.
Ash: Ok, third try's the charm! (grabs the last ball to find it empty as well) God damn!
Oak: Looks like another trainer was on time and got that one.
Ash: Listen to me you smug fuck! I know I am late god dammit! Now where the hell is my pokémon?!
Oak: Fine, fine. Here. (places Pikachu on the table)
Pikachu: Pika!
Ash: So, is he sentient?
Oak: Well, I suppose so. After all he can solve complex logic problems and communicate using abstract concepts.
Ash: So doesn't that make him my slave?
Oak: Well...I...suppose...
Ash: Hahaha! Fear me slave! Do your exalted master's dark bidding!
Pikachu: (shocks the bejesus out of Ash)
Ash: Some slave...can I just beat him with a stick when he misbehaves?
Oak: No Ash. That would be wrong.
Ash: But making him battle other sentient beings in a bloody battle to the death wouldn't be, Professor?
Oak: It sure wouldn't be.
Ash: Kick ass! Let's go Pikachu. (tries to get Pikachu in the poké ball)
Pikachu: Pika!
Ash: How the hell did you get him in there?
Oak: I...uhh...nevermind. [I can't let him know I beat him with a stick]
Ash: Fine Pikachu. Just walk. Bye Oak! Thanks for the shitty pokémon you gave me!
Oak: No problem Ash. Bye!
Ash leaves the building, only to encounter his mother.
Ash's Mom: Oh it's my baby boy, all grown up before he even hits puberty! And his adorable little slave monster!
Ash: Hi mom! Well, I'm off to become the greatest master ever! Or something along those lines. I'll just pretend Gary isn't better than me for the time being.
Ash's Mom: Ok Ash! Bye bye now!
No comments:
Post a Comment