Episode 03 - What's a Bug?

Ash: Well, damn, that was easy. Good job Pikachu! You're one hell of a slave.

Pikachu: Pika! (Soon I will kill you.)

Ash: Ooook. Anyway...

Misty suddenly smashes through the door of the Pokemon Center.

Misty: Why the hell did you steal my bike?!

Ash: Pikachu was hurt! And I wasn't thinking straight! Anyway, it's right there. Take it.

Misty picks up the bike, and it turns into dust for no apparent reason.

Misty: What the hell?!

Ash: I swear I don't know how that happened!

Misty: I'm going to follow you around and annoy you until you buy me a new bike!

Ash's pants start to bulge a bit.

Ash: Ok! Well, I'm going to Pewter City through the Viridian Forest. Tag along if you want.

Misty: Grrr, fine!

Later, walking through Viridian Forest...

Pikachu: Pika pika! (You shall pay for the sins of mankind with your Blood.)

Ash: Pikachu what the hell is the matter with you?! Why would you say that?

Misty: Ewww, it's sticky and gooey!

Ash: I got something sticky and gooey for yah!

Misty: Gross!

Pikachu: Pika! (The unholy wrath of demon shall consume your Flesh.)

Misty: Ash, what did he just say to me?

Ash: You don't want to know...

Suddenly a caterpie appears.

Caterpie: {Random bug noises}

Ash: Yes! Another to force my eternal will upon! Pikachu, attack!

Pikachu: Pika! (One thousand ghosts shall awaken to the destruction of your Soul.)

Ash: Umm, just weaken it ok? Don't annihilate it.

Pikachu shocks Caterpie and Ash captures it.

Ash: Hooray! I got a caterpie!

Pikachu: Pika pika! (Soon the wrath of SaTaN shall consume us all!)

Ash: That's it.

Ash beats Pikachu with a stick. A giant red specter flies away from Pikachu's slightly battered body.

Pikachu: Pika! (Free, free at last!)

Ash: Calm down slave.

Pikachu: Pika... (Wait, no, not free..)

Misty: Ash, umm, why is Pikachu bald?

Ash: Nurse Joy did that to him for some weird reason. She said it's the latest style.

Ash lets Caterpie out.

Caterpie: (clutches Misty's leg and starts to hump it) {Bug noises}

Misty: Ewww! Gross!

Ash: Aww c'mon Misty. That just means he likes you. *mumble* Lucky ass bug *mumble*

Misty: What was that?

Ash: Nothing. Hey what's that over there?

Suddenly another caterpie appears.

Misty: Ewww! Die die! (stomps on caterpie until it's battered beyond death)

Ash: Misty! What the hell?!

Misty: Oops. Heh heh. Oh well.

Ash: Anyway, we need to set up camp. It's starting to get dark. I only have one sleeping bag with me, so...

Misty: I brought my own you pervert.

Ash: Dammit! Anyway, Caterpie return! (Caterpie is sucked back into the pokéball)

Misty: Umm, how does that ball work anyway?

Ash: What do you mean?

Misty: It shoots this red light thing and the pokémon is magically sucked in! How?!

Ash: I...I really don't know! What the hell? (examines the ball carefully) It looks like regular old plastic. I wonder...

Ash and Misty both get in their sleeping bags, ready for slumber.

Ash's sleeping bag has a mysterious bump moving up and down underneath it.

Ash: Oh yes! Keep on rubbin' it Misty. Oh man...

Misty wakes up and rolls over.

Misty: Ash! Eww!

Ash: Gah! I wasn't doing anything, I swear!

Misty: Riiight. Anyway, stop it and go to sleep. (falls back asleep)

Ash: Ohhh yeah. Oh God yes.

And so the night went on. The next morning came. [No pun intended.]

Ash: Ahh, up bright and early!

Suddenly Jesse and James leap from the bushes.

James: To protect the world from (Pikachu starts to charge up electricity.) Ahh!

Jesse and James run away.

Pikachu: Pika! (That's right bitch!)

Misty: (wakes up) Was that Team Rocket? (yawns)

Ash: Yeah, they suck. They suck more than Gary. Gary sucks balls. Don't you agree?

Misty: Who is Gary?

Ash: Ahh nevermind.

Misty: No, seriously, I want to know. Who is Gary?

Ash: Don't worry about it.

Misty: God dammit who the fuck is Gary?!

Ash: Ok, ok, geez.

Misty: Well?

Ash: Well what?

Misty: Who is Gary?

Ash: Gary?

Misty: Yes, Gary. Who is he?

Ash: Oh him. Yeah.

Misty: So?

Ash: So, what?

Misty: WHO THE FUCK IS GARY?!?!

Ash: He's a bastard pokémon trainer who's actually better than me in every way, but because he is a smug son-of-a-bitch I'm going to win out anyway, because of the primitively stupid level of symbolism in this children's cartoon.

Misty: Oh. I hate that Gary.

Ash: Exactly. Oh, and you're the preteen who's almost old enough to be nailed and is thus the focus of many a hentai artist. But, despite your beauty and apparent sluttiness, you never actually have sex with anyone even though this is against your nature, because sex is evil and bad, and that's symbolic of your...goodness. Wait, let me start over!

Misty: Shut up Ash.

Ash: And I'm the immature childish boy who must grow up in this classic Epic style story, despite the fact that real epics don't have episodes, or little monsters, and they always have a cool ogre that smashes people's brains. Or something like that. Anyway, back to enslaving innocent animals to serve my dark ambitions.

Misty: Ash, shut up, now.

Ash: Hey, a pidgeotto!

A pidgeotto walks onto the scene.

Misty: Ash.

Ash: Yeah?

Misty: How did you know that it was going to appear?

Ash: Know what was going to appear?

Misty: The pidgeotto. It appeared after you said you saw it. Not before.

Ash: Oh.

Misty: Well?

Ash: Well what?

Misty: How did you know?

Ash: Umm, magic? How the fuck should I know?

Misty: Grrr. Hey, do you know what I want?

The pidgeotto, being amazingly stupid, just sits there while they talk.

Ash: What do you want?

Misty: A puppy.

Ash: What's a puppy?

Misty: You know, like a young dog.

Ash: You mean a dog-type pokémon? Yeah me too.

Misty: No! A dog!

Ash: What the hell is a dog?

Misty: You know. A furry mammal. It has a big jaw. It's very playful.

Ash: You mean a Growlithe?

Misty: No you idiot! A dog! D-O-G!

Ash: (laughing) And where might I find this magical "dog"?

Misty: Shut up, just shut up!

Ash: Anyway, it's time for me to do something so obviously amazingly stupid! Caterpie go!

Caterpie appears.

Ash: Caterpie, attack!

Misty: Ash, bug-type pokémon are weak against bird-type pokémon! And bugs are gross.

Ash: What's a bug?

Misty: (sighs) Nevermind.

Caterpie: {Random bug noises}

Ash: Caterpie, use....umm....fight attack!

Caterpie: (stares at Ash stupidly)

Ash: Go on. Do...the thing. I know you can do it!

Caterpie: (stares at Ash stupidly)

Ash: Umm....tackle attack?

Caterpie: (tackles Pidgeotto)

Ash: It worked! Hooray! I win! (captures Pidgeotto)

Misty: (sigh) Why did I follow him?

And so ends Chapter 3. What awaits our "heroes"? Who knows? I don't!