Digidude: Digimon! Digivolve into Super Mega Pyromon!
Digichick: Wow! His digivolution was digitastic!
Digidude: Wanna see my digiwang?
Sorry about the mix up folks, now on with the show...
One happy Christmas Eve, the whole Pokémon gang was having a party at Ash's loooove pad. Otherwise known as his house. Everyone was there; Ash, Misty, Brock, Flint, Team Rocket, the guy they saw at the pokémon center with purple hair, and all the others!
Ash: (Drunk and naked on the living room table, swinging a bottle of whiskey) This one's for all the...the things...yah know... (Passes out)
Brock: Aww dammit. Ash passed out again.
Flint: I guess I'll have to drag him into the bedroom, lock the door, and "administer my treatment."
Misty: For some reason my ass hurt the last time you treated me.
Flint: It's totally inexplicable. (Whistles innocently)
Purple Haired Guy: Oh I think I feel faint! (Feigns passing out)
Flint: Oh nice try. Don't you think I'd notice it when you squirmed?
Misty: Wha?
Meanwhile, in the kitchen...
James: Oooh, Snapple!
Jesse: (Smacks James) Stop thinking about drinks! We need to figure out a way to steal Pikachu!
James: Why the hell were we invited anyway? We're his enemies!
Jesse: (Smacks James again)
Meanwhile, in Ash's bedroom...
[CENSORED]
Back in the living room...
Ash's Mom: Who wants cookies?!
Brock: I want cookies you hot sexy mama.
Ash's Mom: (Giggles) Oh, you.
Ash: (Yelling from bedroom) Hey, what the hell are you doing to my ass?!
Ash's Mom: (Giggling more) Looks like Ash had quite a surprise!
Ash: (Runs out of his room, tugging his pants on) Dear God! Good thing I woke up before he got started! Where's my shirt?
Brock: Well Ash, it's right up your-
Ash: (Runs at Brock, then stops suddenly. Slowly he puts his hand under his rear end and pulls a shirt out) I swear I am gonna kill Flint!
Brock: Fucking sick Ash. Get that the hell out of here!
Ash: (Casually tosses the shirt behind him as he walks away)
Jesse: (Runs in) Team Rocket is here to steal your Pika- (Shirt lands on her face)
Back in the kitchen...
Jesse: (Comes running in with the shirt on her face) Miyoiywoiehfvlwknvbbwiubgvk!!!
James: Is this some sort of sick joke?
Jesse: (Slowly peels the shirt off of her face and drops it on the floor) Ewwwwwwww!
James: Why are we celebrating Christmas anyway? Isn't this a Japanese show? Shouldn't we be worshipping our ancestors or something?
Jesse: (Smacks James)
Meanwhile, in Ash's room...
Misty: Heheh. Now I can find out all kinds of secrets about Ash without him knowing! What's this? A book of playstation games? (Flipping through the CD wallet) Twisted Metal 3, Final Fantasy 8, 5th Element... Good Lord! He's like some sort of video game masochist!
Ash: (Walks in) I forgot my...Hey! What are you doing?!
Misty: (Drops CD wallet) Uhh, nothing! Nothing at all!
Ash: Oh, ok. Hey do you know anything about computers? I need help installing Daikatana.
Misty: (Runs away screaming)
Ash: Heheh. That'll teach her to mess with my stuff.
In the living room...
Brock: (Drunk) So I says, man ass, goat ass, it's all the same in the end.
Ash's Mom: Right...
Ash: (Walking in) Heheh. Brock and his goats. When will he ever learn?
Brock: So then I says, hey, that's not a piña colada, that's my ass!
Ash's Mom: Ash, do something about him, honey.
Ash: C'mon Brock. We have a goat outside. A gooooaaat.
Brock: Yeah, yeah... (Passes out)
Ash: Not my intended solution, but effective nonetheless.
Purple Haired Guy: Am I the only sane person here?
Ash: Yes, yes you are.
Purple Haired Guy: I'm not even actually a character on this show! Argh! (Leaves)
Ash: I'm gonna go get a soda.
In the kitchen...
Ash: (Walks in) Umm, why have you guys been in the kitchen all night? And why are you wearing each others clothing?
James: Because Jesse likes it when we- (Smacked by Jesse) I mean, no reason!
Ash: You guys are some sick, sick fucks... (Grabs a coke and leaves)
Jesse: Think he's right?
James: N..no Mistress! Please don't hurt me!
Back in the living room...
Misty: Well this party sure died. Brock passed out. Team Rocket won't even leave the kitchen. (Sighs) Hey, where the hell is Flint?
Brock: (From Ash's room) Oh dear God! What are you doing to my ass? (Sounds of struggle are heard)
Ash's Mom: Oh dear...
Brock: (Pulling his pants up) There. I don't think he'll be getting any more ass tonight. God damn my brother is sick.
Ash: Hey Brock, have you seen Flint's dick anywhere around here? I can't seem to find it.
Brock: (Glaring)
Ash: Oh c'mon now. Where could it be? Oh yeah, right up Brock's ass! Hahahahaha!
Brock: That's not funny.
Misty: (Surpressing giggles, until she can't hold back) Hahahahaha!
Brock: Dammit, fuck this. (Leaves)
Ash: Aww damn. Now it's just you and my mom, Misty. Hey mom can you go away so Misty and I can "get close", you know, "make with the luvin'"?
Misty: Ash, eww! Bye! (Leaves)
Ash's Mom: Guess your little party is over Ash.
Ash: Guess so mom. But I learned a valuable lesson.
Ash's Mom: What's that, hon?
Ash: Never ever EVER pass out around Brock's brother. Ugh.
And so Ash's christmas party is over, or is it?
Flint: Oww, my hear hurts, where's that Ash boy?
(Demonic music) DA DA DA DA dum....
The parody of one man's love for another man in drag! No, wait!
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Episode 07 - Boobs
Ash: So where is the next pokémon gym so I can get another badge? Huh? Huh?
Brock: Dammit Ash, relax. The next badge is in...
Ash: In where dammit? Where?!
Brock: In...in...my ass!
Ash: I swear you'll be the first to die!
Brock: Right Ash. Whatever.
Misty: Would you two stop already? You're giving me a freakin' headache!
Ash: That's what you said last night.
Audience: Oohhh...
Brock: C'mon now. The audience thing is such a ripoff of DBZ Rewrite.
Audience: You go girl!
Ash: Guess I'll have to find out where the next badge is myself. (Whips out his pokédex)
Pokédex: Your next badge is in Cerulean city...freak.
Ash: What was that pokédex?
Pokédex: Nothing! Bye! (Turns itself off)
Ash: Ok then, to Cerulean city we go!
Pikachu: Pika!
Misty: Cerulean city? We can't go there!
Ash: Why the hell not?!
Misty: Cuz...cuz...cuz nothing! (Runs away)
Ash: She is one crazy bitch. Anyway, which way to Cerulean city?
Brock: Well, we go...we go...
Ash: Go where? Where?!
Brock: We go...right up my ass!
Ash: Someday I will actually kill you.
The two eventually arrive at Cerulean city.
Ash: We're here! Finally! Now where is the gym, Brock?
Brock: Well Ash, it's right-
Ash: If you say it's up your ass I will kick your fucking ass so hard that you puke the gym up!
Brock: I was gonna say it's right over there, by the food court. (Points to gym)
Ash: It looks a lot like an aquarium. Well, let's go.
Upon entering the gym, the two sit down and watch a swimming act performed by three gorgeous, scantilly clad women.
Brock: Man I'd like a piece of that!
Ash: (Yelling) Take it off! Take it all off!
Security guard: Son if you don't simmer down we're going to have to ask you to leave.
Ash: Fine...
Once the performance is over, the two head over to talk to the performers.
Ash: My name's Ash, and I'm here for a badge so I can...ahhh...uhhh (Staring at their breasts)
Brock: Hello ladies. Hey! Boobs! You have boobs!
Ash: (Shakes his head) ...so I can battle in the pokémon league! Which one of you is the gym leader.
First Girl: Gym leader? Haha. This gym isn't for battling anymore. It's for our show, so people can see how beautiful we are!
Second Girl: Yeah, we're so beautiful. Look at how conceited we are. Look at my use of italics. I want to eat a ham sandwich.
Third Girl: Like, oh my god! A ham sandwich? You're crazy! You'll get so totally fat!
Ash: Well dammit. How am I supposed to get the Cerulean city badge then?
First Girl: Here, you can just have it. (Holds out a badge)
Ash: Ok! Yeah!
Misty: (Pops in from nowhere) You won't get the badge that easy Ash!
Ash: Where the hell have you been you crazy bitch?
Girls: (Snickering) He knows you pretty well!
Misty: Shut up! I'm here to protect the honor of the Cerulean city badge. I am the gym leader Ash!
Ash: The hell?! How can that be?!
First Girl: Gee sis, you sure picked an idiot for a boyfriend!
Misty: Boyfriend?!
Ash: Heh I wish. She won't give it up. Anyway, if I must battle a crazy bitch to propogate my dark reign, so be it!
Later, at the arena...
Ash: Go Pikachu! Kick Misty's ass!
Pikachu: Pika! (No!)
Ash: Why not?!
Pikachu: Pika! Pika-chu! (I want to have sex with her!)
Ash: Well I can't blame yah...Go Pidgeotto!
Pidgeotto: Pidgeotto!
Misty: Staryu! Go!
Staryu: {Water noises}
Meanwhile, as the pokémon battle...
James: You sure this plan will work Jesse? It seems so stupid!
Jesse: (Smacks James) Shut up bitch! Of course it will work!
Meowth: All this work is making me want to have a cat nap. Get it? Cuz I'm a cat! It's funny, cuz I'm a cat, and I said I wanted a-
Jesse: Shut up, shut up, shut up! For the love of God, why won't you ever shut up? We get the idea. You can talk. Woohoo. Now shut up.
James: Do what she says, or (Smacked by Jesse) Ow! Or that!
Jesse: Why does nobody shut up?! Ok, Meowth, start the vacuum tube! We'll suck their precious pokémon right up into our trap!
The machine starts up, and the water begins pumping into it.
Misty: Oh no! Staryu!
Ash: Hmm, if I help her I bet then she'll give me some! Pikachu! Shock the water!
Pikachu: Pika! (Shocks the water, causing Team Rocket to blast off into the air.)
Team Rocket: Team Rocket is exploding right the fuck out of the building again!
Misty's Sister: Here yah go Ash. I think you deserve this after saving the day like that!
Ash: Oh hell yes! Another badge!
Misty: When will he ever learn?
And so ends yet another wacky adventure. Bla bla bla.
Brock: Dammit Ash, relax. The next badge is in...
Ash: In where dammit? Where?!
Brock: In...in...my ass!
Ash: I swear you'll be the first to die!
Brock: Right Ash. Whatever.
Misty: Would you two stop already? You're giving me a freakin' headache!
Ash: That's what you said last night.
Audience: Oohhh...
Brock: C'mon now. The audience thing is such a ripoff of DBZ Rewrite.
Audience: You go girl!
Ash: Guess I'll have to find out where the next badge is myself. (Whips out his pokédex)
Pokédex: Your next badge is in Cerulean city...freak.
Ash: What was that pokédex?
Pokédex: Nothing! Bye! (Turns itself off)
Ash: Ok then, to Cerulean city we go!
Pikachu: Pika!
Misty: Cerulean city? We can't go there!
Ash: Why the hell not?!
Misty: Cuz...cuz...cuz nothing! (Runs away)
Ash: She is one crazy bitch. Anyway, which way to Cerulean city?
Brock: Well, we go...we go...
Ash: Go where? Where?!
Brock: We go...right up my ass!
Ash: Someday I will actually kill you.
The two eventually arrive at Cerulean city.
Ash: We're here! Finally! Now where is the gym, Brock?
Brock: Well Ash, it's right-
Ash: If you say it's up your ass I will kick your fucking ass so hard that you puke the gym up!
Brock: I was gonna say it's right over there, by the food court. (Points to gym)
Ash: It looks a lot like an aquarium. Well, let's go.
Upon entering the gym, the two sit down and watch a swimming act performed by three gorgeous, scantilly clad women.
Brock: Man I'd like a piece of that!
Ash: (Yelling) Take it off! Take it all off!
Security guard: Son if you don't simmer down we're going to have to ask you to leave.
Ash: Fine...
Once the performance is over, the two head over to talk to the performers.
Ash: My name's Ash, and I'm here for a badge so I can...ahhh...uhhh (Staring at their breasts)
Brock: Hello ladies. Hey! Boobs! You have boobs!
Ash: (Shakes his head) ...so I can battle in the pokémon league! Which one of you is the gym leader.
First Girl: Gym leader? Haha. This gym isn't for battling anymore. It's for our show, so people can see how beautiful we are!
Second Girl: Yeah, we're so beautiful. Look at how conceited we are. Look at my use of italics. I want to eat a ham sandwich.
Third Girl: Like, oh my god! A ham sandwich? You're crazy! You'll get so totally fat!
Ash: Well dammit. How am I supposed to get the Cerulean city badge then?
First Girl: Here, you can just have it. (Holds out a badge)
Ash: Ok! Yeah!
Misty: (Pops in from nowhere) You won't get the badge that easy Ash!
Ash: Where the hell have you been you crazy bitch?
Girls: (Snickering) He knows you pretty well!
Misty: Shut up! I'm here to protect the honor of the Cerulean city badge. I am the gym leader Ash!
Ash: The hell?! How can that be?!
First Girl: Gee sis, you sure picked an idiot for a boyfriend!
Misty: Boyfriend?!
Ash: Heh I wish. She won't give it up. Anyway, if I must battle a crazy bitch to propogate my dark reign, so be it!
Later, at the arena...
Ash: Go Pikachu! Kick Misty's ass!
Pikachu: Pika! (No!)
Ash: Why not?!
Pikachu: Pika! Pika-chu! (I want to have sex with her!)
Ash: Well I can't blame yah...Go Pidgeotto!
Pidgeotto: Pidgeotto!
Misty: Staryu! Go!
Staryu: {Water noises}
Meanwhile, as the pokémon battle...
James: You sure this plan will work Jesse? It seems so stupid!
Jesse: (Smacks James) Shut up bitch! Of course it will work!
Meowth: All this work is making me want to have a cat nap. Get it? Cuz I'm a cat! It's funny, cuz I'm a cat, and I said I wanted a-
Jesse: Shut up, shut up, shut up! For the love of God, why won't you ever shut up? We get the idea. You can talk. Woohoo. Now shut up.
James: Do what she says, or (Smacked by Jesse) Ow! Or that!
Jesse: Why does nobody shut up?! Ok, Meowth, start the vacuum tube! We'll suck their precious pokémon right up into our trap!
The machine starts up, and the water begins pumping into it.
Misty: Oh no! Staryu!
Ash: Hmm, if I help her I bet then she'll give me some! Pikachu! Shock the water!
Pikachu: Pika! (Shocks the water, causing Team Rocket to blast off into the air.)
Team Rocket: Team Rocket is exploding right the fuck out of the building again!
Misty's Sister: Here yah go Ash. I think you deserve this after saving the day like that!
Ash: Oh hell yes! Another badge!
Misty: When will he ever learn?
And so ends yet another wacky adventure. Bla bla bla.
Episode 06 - Hentai, Pedophilia, what's the difference?
Brock: Wow. I'm travelling with a bunch of kids to make little cutesy monsters fight! Doesn't that make me cool? Oh wait, no it doesn't...
Ash: Hey Misty, there's a party in my pants and you're invited!
Misty: Ewwwwww! Dammit Ash! Shut up!
Brock: According to this map, we need to go through Mt. Moon to get to Cerulean City so Ash can get his next badge. Hey why are we helping him anyway?
Misty: I'm following him until he pays me for my bike.
Ash: I want to repay you, but you always refuse!
Misty: Sex is not repayment!
Ash: Where the hell did you get that map anyway?
Brock: I...don't know. Now that's freaky.
Misty: Like you'd see where you picked it up with those slits you call eyes.
Brock: Hey! I never once called them eyes!
Misty: I'm tired. Let's sit down and eat.
Ash: If you want any of my special sauce, just ask.
Misty: No thank you. I'll just have a hot dog.
Ash: Coming right up heheheh.
Misty: Eww Ash no!
Brock: Hmmm, if I can get them to have sex I could make a fortune in the kiddie porn market.
Brock: You know Misty, doctors say it's unhealthy to remain a virgin for too long.
Misty: Who said I was a virgin?
Brock and Ash fall down.
Misty: Whoever it was, was right!
Ash: Well Misty, you heard the man, lets get to it!
Misty: Brock is so full of it. Bleh! Well I'm done with my hot dog, lets get going.
Eventually the trio reaches Mt. Moon.
Ash: Wow, Mt. Moon sure looks boring. It's just an ugly brown hunk of rock.
Misty: Ash it's what's on the inside that counts.
Ash: (Salivating) I couldn't agree more...
Misty: Ash are you on hormone pills today or something?
Brock: She's onto the hormonal supplements I've been planting in his food! Shit!
Ash: Jesus Christ. I feel like I could shampoo a buffalo with my jizz.
Person Inside: Help help!
They run inside to find a nerdy looking professor being attacked by Zubats.
Professor: I am not nerdy.
He shouldn't have been able to hear that.
Ash: Pikachu, shock those zubats!
Pikachu: (Zaps the zubats)
Zubats: (Die Faint)
Professor: Thank you so much! My name is Seymour!
Ash: You're...welcome...dammit that in no way helped me serve my dark ambitions.
Misty: There are more important things than you, you self centered twit!
Ash: Mmmmm, tit-I mean-twit...
Misty: (Eyes Brock suspiciously)
Brock: I swear I'm not trying to get Ash to rape you so I can video tape it and put it up on animelolitarapesex.com and make millions!
Misty: Well all right then.
Seymour: I'll guide you through the cave.
Ash: All right then. Now you're useful.
Misty: Why are there so many injured pokémon around here?
Seymour: Trainers from around the world come to Mt. Moon in search of the mysterious moon stone. It is said that such a stone would grant a pokémon tremendous power.
Ash: I gotta have it! Pikachu, don't stop killing until you find the moon stone!
Brock: Ash, no!
Misty: He'll never learn.
Ash: Who the hell decided that killing was wrong anyways...
Brock: What are those?!
A group of clefairies march past them.
Ash: Let's follow!
They follow the clefairies into a big room with a stone in the center.
Clefairies: (Dance)
Ash: Why the hell are they dancing?
Seymour: The clefairy worship the moon stone!
Ash: Wow, they sure are stupid! I'm going to catch one!
Seymour: No you mustn't! They are rare, and endangered!
Ash: ...so it's ok to catch a pokémon only if it isn't rare? Why is that?
Seymour: Because if the endangered pokémon are all taken away, it might affect the ecosystem drastically.
Ash: But if there are only a few anyway how can they have much of an effect anyway?
Seymour: They just do.
Ash: But-
Seymour: (Insane look in his eyes) They just DO!
Ash: Ok, ok...
Explosion. Team Rocket flies into the distance.
Team Rocket: Team Rocket is blasting off again!
Misty: Wow, we didn't even have to try that time.
Brock: Whoah, WAAAAY too much LSD that time.
Ash: No Brock, I see it too. The moon stone is glowing!
Clefairy evolve into Clefable.
Ash: Dammit I wish I could catch just one.
Seymour guides them to the outside of the cave.
Misty: So long Seymour. Thanks for your help.
Brock: Yeah, bye.
Ash: I don't know why you have to be so nice to that guy.
Misty: Let's just say he gave me something very special. (Lights up a cigarette)
Brock: (Patting his video camera) Gonna make millions...
And so the trio ventures off to do some other stuff.
Ash: Hey Misty, there's a party in my pants and you're invited!
Misty: Ewwwwww! Dammit Ash! Shut up!
Brock: According to this map, we need to go through Mt. Moon to get to Cerulean City so Ash can get his next badge. Hey why are we helping him anyway?
Misty: I'm following him until he pays me for my bike.
Ash: I want to repay you, but you always refuse!
Misty: Sex is not repayment!
Ash: Where the hell did you get that map anyway?
Brock: I...don't know. Now that's freaky.
Misty: Like you'd see where you picked it up with those slits you call eyes.
Brock: Hey! I never once called them eyes!
Misty: I'm tired. Let's sit down and eat.
Ash: If you want any of my special sauce, just ask.
Misty: No thank you. I'll just have a hot dog.
Ash: Coming right up heheheh.
Misty: Eww Ash no!
Brock: Hmmm, if I can get them to have sex I could make a fortune in the kiddie porn market.
Brock: You know Misty, doctors say it's unhealthy to remain a virgin for too long.
Misty: Who said I was a virgin?
Brock and Ash fall down.
Misty: Whoever it was, was right!
Ash: Well Misty, you heard the man, lets get to it!
Misty: Brock is so full of it. Bleh! Well I'm done with my hot dog, lets get going.
Eventually the trio reaches Mt. Moon.
Ash: Wow, Mt. Moon sure looks boring. It's just an ugly brown hunk of rock.
Misty: Ash it's what's on the inside that counts.
Ash: (Salivating) I couldn't agree more...
Misty: Ash are you on hormone pills today or something?
Brock: She's onto the hormonal supplements I've been planting in his food! Shit!
Ash: Jesus Christ. I feel like I could shampoo a buffalo with my jizz.
Person Inside: Help help!
They run inside to find a nerdy looking professor being attacked by Zubats.
Professor: I am not nerdy.
He shouldn't have been able to hear that.
Ash: Pikachu, shock those zubats!
Pikachu: (Zaps the zubats)
Zubats: (
Professor: Thank you so much! My name is Seymour!
Ash: You're...welcome...dammit that in no way helped me serve my dark ambitions.
Misty: There are more important things than you, you self centered twit!
Ash: Mmmmm, tit-I mean-twit...
Misty: (Eyes Brock suspiciously)
Brock: I swear I'm not trying to get Ash to rape you so I can video tape it and put it up on animelolitarapesex.com and make millions!
Misty: Well all right then.
Seymour: I'll guide you through the cave.
Ash: All right then. Now you're useful.
Misty: Why are there so many injured pokémon around here?
Seymour: Trainers from around the world come to Mt. Moon in search of the mysterious moon stone. It is said that such a stone would grant a pokémon tremendous power.
Ash: I gotta have it! Pikachu, don't stop killing until you find the moon stone!
Brock: Ash, no!
Misty: He'll never learn.
Ash: Who the hell decided that killing was wrong anyways...
Brock: What are those?!
A group of clefairies march past them.
Ash: Let's follow!
They follow the clefairies into a big room with a stone in the center.
Clefairies: (Dance)
Ash: Why the hell are they dancing?
Seymour: The clefairy worship the moon stone!
Ash: Wow, they sure are stupid! I'm going to catch one!
Seymour: No you mustn't! They are rare, and endangered!
Ash: ...so it's ok to catch a pokémon only if it isn't rare? Why is that?
Seymour: Because if the endangered pokémon are all taken away, it might affect the ecosystem drastically.
Ash: But if there are only a few anyway how can they have much of an effect anyway?
Seymour: They just do.
Ash: But-
Seymour: (Insane look in his eyes) They just DO!
Ash: Ok, ok...
Explosion. Team Rocket flies into the distance.
Team Rocket: Team Rocket is blasting off again!
Misty: Wow, we didn't even have to try that time.
Brock: Whoah, WAAAAY too much LSD that time.
Ash: No Brock, I see it too. The moon stone is glowing!
Clefairy evolve into Clefable.
Ash: Dammit I wish I could catch just one.
Seymour guides them to the outside of the cave.
Misty: So long Seymour. Thanks for your help.
Brock: Yeah, bye.
Ash: I don't know why you have to be so nice to that guy.
Misty: Let's just say he gave me something very special. (Lights up a cigarette)
Brock: (Patting his video camera) Gonna make millions...
And so the trio ventures off to do some other stuff.
Episode 05 - Platonic love for a brother, or insest? You decide.
Ash and Misty finally happen across Pewter city after a long journey.
Ash: My dark ambitions shall be realized!
Misty: Hey, a giant rock!
Ash: Umm, Misty, are rocks usually brown and *sniff* *sniff* stinky?
Misty: Sure they are! (Sits down with a squish)
Man: Excuse me, but you're sitting on my merchandise.
Ash: Merchandise?
Man: That's right. These are souveneirs!
Misty: What are they? (Patting the surface of the "rock")
Man: Onix droppings.
Misty screams and passes out.
Ash: So who are you?
Man: I'm Flint. I'm not Brock's father I swear!
Ash: What?
Flint: Brock is the gym leader here. You'll have to defeat him and seven others to get into the Pokemon League.
Ash: And you're his father?
Flint: No! No! I swear that was just a one night stand!
Pikachu: Pika... (What an ass...)
Misty wakes up.
Misty: Droppings?! Ewwww. Why would anyone buy them?
Flint: Now you know why I am dressed like a bum. Nobody does.
Later, at the local Pokemon gym...
Ash: I'm here to challenge you Brock!
The doors slam open.
Brock: You can never win. I'm saying this without knowing anything about you. It shows that I am absolutely confident of my ability to defeat any opponent. Doesn't that make me cool?
Misty: Ahh! Pikachu!
Pikachu is humping Misty's leg.
Ash: No! Bad Pikachu! (Sprays pikachu with a water bottle)
Pikachu: Pika! (Bah!)
Brock: Hahaha. Your pokémon is poorly trained. I can tell because it likes to hump. That makes no sense, but that's what makes me cool.
Ash: Pikachu go!
Pikachu: Pika!
Brock: Graveler go!
Graveler falls on Pikachu, instantly winning the battle.
Ash: Noooooo! How can he serve my dark ambitions now?!
Brock: Hahaha! You'll never beat me!
Ash: I'll be back!
Outside of the gym...
Ash: Dammit! How can I beat him?
Flint: I think I can help you. But first let me tell you about Brock.
Ash: I don't care.
Flint: Shut up and listen. A long time ago, his good for nothing father...
Ash: You mean you?
Flint: No! His father ran out on him, leaving his mother to take care of the entire family.
Ash: Wow you're a really shitty father!
Flint: It wasn't me dammit! After a while the mother died of an illness, and now Brock takes care of all of his siblings.
Ash: I mean god damn, how could you do something so horrible?
Flint: How many times do I have to say it?! I'm not Brock's father!
Ash: Riiiiiiight. Anyway, how can I beat him?
Flint: Come with me.
Later, by a hydroelectric plant...
Ash: I don't know if I should trust the advice of a man who abandoned his family.
Flint: It wasn't me! Anyway, all you have to do is hook Pikachu up to the generator and push the mill with your feet and you'll be set!
Ash: Ok! (Does so.)
Pikachu: Pika! Pika!
Ash: Be strong Pikachu! This is for your own good!
Misty: You know Ash, you could borrow some of my pokémon and win easily! (Translation: You know Ash, you can do me anytime!)
Ash: I don't need your help! (Translation: I'm gay.)
Misty: Fine! (Translation: I'll just take care of myself in the bathroom!) (Storms off)
A huge portal opens up above the plant. Four people fall off.
Quinn: How long are we on this world?
Wade: 2 seconds!
Professor: Well lets go!
Another portal opens up, and they all jump in. The portal then disappears.
Ash: (Stares in utter shock.) What the hell?
Flint: Oh that's nothing. He's almost charged up!
Ash: Quiet child abuser!
Later at Brock's gym...
Ash: I'm baa-aack!
Brock: Come to lose again?! Your pikachu is crap!
Ash: We'll see! Pikachu go!
Brock: Graveler go!
Pikachu shocks it to death before it even leaves the pokéball.
Brock: Your pikachu is stronger than it was before. But I have an even stronger pokémon that could beat it easily. I mean, I don't even have to try with this one. It's so powerful that it's a joke to think about the Pikachu even hurting it! I mean really it's...
Ash: Just use it already!
Brock: Onix, go!
A giant Onix appears.
Ash: Pikachu, uhh, do the thing, that the electricity gave you. The thing, damn you, the thing!
Pikachu dances.
Ash: No you idiot, shock it!
Pikachu shocks Onix, but to no avail.
Water from a mysterious source covers Onix.
Pikachu shocks it again, and defeats it.
Brock: Ok Ash, you win. Here's the badge. But I can't come with you. My good for nothing father left me to take care of all my siblings.
Flint: (From somewhere far away) I'm not your father dammit!
Brock: Riiiight.
Flint: (Walks in) I'm actually your much older brother.
Brock: ...brother?!
Flint: Yeah, but I'll take care of the kids from now on. You go ahead.
Brock: Thanks da-I mean brother!
They hug. Flint pops a stiffy.
Brock: Uhhh, I gotta go now...
Flint: Why?
Brock: Uhhh, a... really... good reason. C'mon Ash.
Brock drags Ash away into the sunset, away from Flint and "little Flint".
Ash: My dark ambitions shall be realized!
Misty: Hey, a giant rock!
Ash: Umm, Misty, are rocks usually brown and *sniff* *sniff* stinky?
Misty: Sure they are! (Sits down with a squish)
Man: Excuse me, but you're sitting on my merchandise.
Ash: Merchandise?
Man: That's right. These are souveneirs!
Misty: What are they? (Patting the surface of the "rock")
Man: Onix droppings.
Misty screams and passes out.
Ash: So who are you?
Man: I'm Flint. I'm not Brock's father I swear!
Ash: What?
Flint: Brock is the gym leader here. You'll have to defeat him and seven others to get into the Pokemon League.
Ash: And you're his father?
Flint: No! No! I swear that was just a one night stand!
Pikachu: Pika... (What an ass...)
Misty wakes up.
Misty: Droppings?! Ewwww. Why would anyone buy them?
Flint: Now you know why I am dressed like a bum. Nobody does.
Later, at the local Pokemon gym...
Ash: I'm here to challenge you Brock!
The doors slam open.
Brock: You can never win. I'm saying this without knowing anything about you. It shows that I am absolutely confident of my ability to defeat any opponent. Doesn't that make me cool?
Misty: Ahh! Pikachu!
Pikachu is humping Misty's leg.
Ash: No! Bad Pikachu! (Sprays pikachu with a water bottle)
Pikachu: Pika! (Bah!)
Brock: Hahaha. Your pokémon is poorly trained. I can tell because it likes to hump. That makes no sense, but that's what makes me cool.
Ash: Pikachu go!
Pikachu: Pika!
Brock: Graveler go!
Graveler falls on Pikachu, instantly winning the battle.
Ash: Noooooo! How can he serve my dark ambitions now?!
Brock: Hahaha! You'll never beat me!
Ash: I'll be back!
Outside of the gym...
Ash: Dammit! How can I beat him?
Flint: I think I can help you. But first let me tell you about Brock.
Ash: I don't care.
Flint: Shut up and listen. A long time ago, his good for nothing father...
Ash: You mean you?
Flint: No! His father ran out on him, leaving his mother to take care of the entire family.
Ash: Wow you're a really shitty father!
Flint: It wasn't me dammit! After a while the mother died of an illness, and now Brock takes care of all of his siblings.
Ash: I mean god damn, how could you do something so horrible?
Flint: How many times do I have to say it?! I'm not Brock's father!
Ash: Riiiiiiight. Anyway, how can I beat him?
Flint: Come with me.
Later, by a hydroelectric plant...
Ash: I don't know if I should trust the advice of a man who abandoned his family.
Flint: It wasn't me! Anyway, all you have to do is hook Pikachu up to the generator and push the mill with your feet and you'll be set!
Ash: Ok! (Does so.)
Pikachu: Pika! Pika!
Ash: Be strong Pikachu! This is for your own good!
Misty: You know Ash, you could borrow some of my pokémon and win easily! (Translation: You know Ash, you can do me anytime!)
Ash: I don't need your help! (Translation: I'm gay.)
Misty: Fine! (Translation: I'll just take care of myself in the bathroom!) (Storms off)
A huge portal opens up above the plant. Four people fall off.
Quinn: How long are we on this world?
Wade: 2 seconds!
Professor: Well lets go!
Another portal opens up, and they all jump in. The portal then disappears.
Ash: (Stares in utter shock.) What the hell?
Flint: Oh that's nothing. He's almost charged up!
Ash: Quiet child abuser!
Later at Brock's gym...
Ash: I'm baa-aack!
Brock: Come to lose again?! Your pikachu is crap!
Ash: We'll see! Pikachu go!
Brock: Graveler go!
Pikachu shocks it to death before it even leaves the pokéball.
Brock: Your pikachu is stronger than it was before. But I have an even stronger pokémon that could beat it easily. I mean, I don't even have to try with this one. It's so powerful that it's a joke to think about the Pikachu even hurting it! I mean really it's...
Ash: Just use it already!
Brock: Onix, go!
A giant Onix appears.
Ash: Pikachu, uhh, do the thing, that the electricity gave you. The thing, damn you, the thing!
Pikachu dances.
Ash: No you idiot, shock it!
Pikachu shocks Onix, but to no avail.
Water from a mysterious source covers Onix.
Pikachu shocks it again, and defeats it.
Brock: Ok Ash, you win. Here's the badge. But I can't come with you. My good for nothing father left me to take care of all my siblings.
Flint: (From somewhere far away) I'm not your father dammit!
Brock: Riiiight.
Flint: (Walks in) I'm actually your much older brother.
Brock: ...brother?!
Flint: Yeah, but I'll take care of the kids from now on. You go ahead.
Brock: Thanks da-I mean brother!
They hug. Flint pops a stiffy.
Brock: Uhhh, I gotta go now...
Flint: Why?
Brock: Uhhh, a... really... good reason. C'mon Ash.
Brock drags Ash away into the sunset, away from Flint and "little Flint".
Episode 04 - Repeating Gag
Caterpie evolves into Metapod.
Ash: Wow! Cool! Ok, into the pokéball.
Misty: (Sighs)
Ash: (Singing) I'm the greatest master! I'm the best master! Oh yeah! Great great great!
Misty: Where's my gun...
A mysterious samurai pops from the bushes and holds a sword to Ash's jugular.
Mysterious Samurai: Halt!
Ash: Who the hell are you?
Mysterious Samurai: I am called Cream of Sumyungi. You can just call me Mr. Cream.
Ash: You're here to rape my pokémon aren't you?!
Mr. Cream: I am no pokémon rapist! I am here to challenge you to a battle. Go Metapod!
Metapod flies out of the pokéball.
Ash: Oh yeah?! I have one too! Go Metapod!
Metapod flies out of the pokéball.
Misty: Ok, now you both have to close your eyes, spin three times, and walk for 5 seconds.
Ash: Uhhh, why?
Misty: That's the rule!
Mr. Cream: Ok...
Ash and Mr. Cream close their eyes, spin three times, and walk for 5 seconds.
Ash: Ugh, I feel dizzy!
Mr. Cream: Me too. Hey, which Metapod is mine?!
Ash: Let's see...this one is the strongest one, so it must be mine!
Mr. Cream: Bullshit!
Misty: I know how we can tell!
Ash and Mr. Cream: How?!
Misty: Mr. Cream, you say you are not a pokémon rapist, but would you please bend over?
Mr. Cream: (Sighs and bends over)
Misty: Ooh, nice ass!
Ash: Misty!
Misty: Ok ok, here, just call out its name.
Ash: Metapod come here! Here boy!
Metapod doesn't move, as it has no legs.
Ash: Well shit. Here, let's both just take one and not worry about it ok?
Mr. Cream: Alright fine.
Suddenly a swarm of Beedrill descend upon them.
Ash: Holy shit! Why are they attacking?
Mr. Cream: John Romero asked if they would model for Daikatana 2!
Misty: Dear God!
Mr. Cream grabs his metapod and runs.
Ash: Ahh, he'll be fine. Metapod, attack!
The beedrill fly off with Metapod.
Ash: Shit!
Misty: Ash, c'mon! Run!
They all run away to a cave.
Meanwhile...
Romero: Have you brought me the Metapod?
Beedrill: Yes sir!
Romero: Excellent! All is going according to plan! I will destroy the first person shooter gaming market with Daikatana 2! Daikatana wasn't bad enough, I must make it worse! Shit, I better order more green lights for the cutscenes.
Beedrill: Make Metapod easy, but take twenty minutes to kill, and make his death necessary to proceed through the game!
Romero: Yes! Bwahahahahaha!
Back with our "heroes"...
Ash: I can't believe I left Metapod! We must rescue him!
Misty: Ash, no!
Mr. Cream: You can never defeat John Romero! He is...like a monster! Once good, his heart is now the blackest evil in existence!
Ash: Romero will not win! I must be the only pure evil! My evil ambitions shall be realized! Bwahahahahaha!
Misty: He's delusional.
Mr. Cream: I know.
Ash: Shut up! I'm going, stay behind if you like.
Misty: With pleasure.
Ash runs into the forest in search of Metapod, only to be caught in a trap hole in the ground!
Ash: Shit! Who put this here?!
Suddenly the beedrill descend upon him and sting him until he is unconscious.
Ash wakes up in a small clearing in the forest, tied to a tree.
Ash: What the hell?! Where am I?
Suddenly Romero appears.
Romero: Oh hello. I am making a sequel to the incredible FPS Daikatana. And you will model as a new character, he will be called... CAPTAIN FIDDLESTICKS!
Ash: Dear God no!
Romero pulls out some cameras and PC.
Romero: Let's get started shall we? Bwahahahaha!
Ash: Ahhhhhhhh!
Back with the other two "heroes"...
Mr. Cream: I'm telling you Misty, this won't work!
Misty: Sure it will! All I have to do is get Romero to thing he's going to get to score with me, and then I shove this (Pulls out a normal looking dildo) up his ass!
Mr. Cream: And what if he likes it?
Misty: That's why I have this! (Pulls out a remote control with a button and presses the button, causing a series of spikes to emerge from the end of the dildo)
Mr. Cream: Ouch! Alright, if you think it will work...
Back at Romero's clearing...
Ash: Nooo! Help!
Romero: Your model is almost complete! Bwahahaha!
Suddenly Misty appears.
Misty: Ooh, Mr. Romero, you're so hot and sexy! Will you do me, please?!
Romero is naked faster than Misty knew possible, and tries to go down on Misty.
Misty shoves the dildo in.
Romero: Agh, ooh! Kinky!
Misty presses the button.
Romero: Ahhh! Ahh, ahh, ahhh, ohh yeah baby! Oh God yes!
Misty: Oh my God you like that?!
Mr. Cream: Time for plan B!
Mr. Cream runs out of the woods and rams a pike through Romero's skull.
Misty: Now why didn't I think of that?
Mr. Cream: Because you're a dumb bitch.
Misty: Shut the hell up!
Ash: Hahahaha! Hey untie me dammit!
Mr. Cream unties Ash.
Ash: Hey my Metapod is by that tree! Kick ass!
Mr. Cream slips with the pike and cuts the Metapod open.
Ash: God dammit! You killed it!
Mr. Cream: No I didn't! Look!
A butterfree emerges from the metapod shell.
Ash: Alright! A butterfree!
Suddenly the swarm of beedrill arrive.
Beedrill: Oh my God! You killed Romero! You bastards! We will kill you all!
Ash: Butterfree, do your, ummm, oh God dammit...
Misty: Ash use the stun spore!
Ash: Right! Butterfree, stun spore!
Butterfree does stun spore, and kills all of the beedrill.
Mr. Cream: Why did stun spore kill them?
Ash: I dunno, but I like it!
Mr. Cream: Well Ash, it's been fun, but I must leave. Perhaps we'll battle again someday. But right now I have a lot of dick to suck, so bye! (Runs off)
Ash: Did he just say that...
Misty: ...he had a lot of dick to suck?
And so ends another wacky adventure! What will happen next time?! Wait and see!
Ash: Wow! Cool! Ok, into the pokéball.
Misty: (Sighs)
Ash: (Singing) I'm the greatest master! I'm the best master! Oh yeah! Great great great!
Misty: Where's my gun...
A mysterious samurai pops from the bushes and holds a sword to Ash's jugular.
Mysterious Samurai: Halt!
Ash: Who the hell are you?
Mysterious Samurai: I am called Cream of Sumyungi. You can just call me Mr. Cream.
Ash: You're here to rape my pokémon aren't you?!
Mr. Cream: I am no pokémon rapist! I am here to challenge you to a battle. Go Metapod!
Metapod flies out of the pokéball.
Ash: Oh yeah?! I have one too! Go Metapod!
Metapod flies out of the pokéball.
Misty: Ok, now you both have to close your eyes, spin three times, and walk for 5 seconds.
Ash: Uhhh, why?
Misty: That's the rule!
Mr. Cream: Ok...
Ash and Mr. Cream close their eyes, spin three times, and walk for 5 seconds.
Ash: Ugh, I feel dizzy!
Mr. Cream: Me too. Hey, which Metapod is mine?!
Ash: Let's see...this one is the strongest one, so it must be mine!
Mr. Cream: Bullshit!
Misty: I know how we can tell!
Ash and Mr. Cream: How?!
Misty: Mr. Cream, you say you are not a pokémon rapist, but would you please bend over?
Mr. Cream: (Sighs and bends over)
Misty: Ooh, nice ass!
Ash: Misty!
Misty: Ok ok, here, just call out its name.
Ash: Metapod come here! Here boy!
Metapod doesn't move, as it has no legs.
Ash: Well shit. Here, let's both just take one and not worry about it ok?
Mr. Cream: Alright fine.
Suddenly a swarm of Beedrill descend upon them.
Ash: Holy shit! Why are they attacking?
Mr. Cream: John Romero asked if they would model for Daikatana 2!
Misty: Dear God!
Mr. Cream grabs his metapod and runs.
Ash: Ahh, he'll be fine. Metapod, attack!
The beedrill fly off with Metapod.
Ash: Shit!
Misty: Ash, c'mon! Run!
They all run away to a cave.
Meanwhile...
Romero: Have you brought me the Metapod?
Beedrill: Yes sir!
Romero: Excellent! All is going according to plan! I will destroy the first person shooter gaming market with Daikatana 2! Daikatana wasn't bad enough, I must make it worse! Shit, I better order more green lights for the cutscenes.
Beedrill: Make Metapod easy, but take twenty minutes to kill, and make his death necessary to proceed through the game!
Romero: Yes! Bwahahahahaha!
Back with our "heroes"...
Ash: I can't believe I left Metapod! We must rescue him!
Misty: Ash, no!
Mr. Cream: You can never defeat John Romero! He is...like a monster! Once good, his heart is now the blackest evil in existence!
Ash: Romero will not win! I must be the only pure evil! My evil ambitions shall be realized! Bwahahahahaha!
Misty: He's delusional.
Mr. Cream: I know.
Ash: Shut up! I'm going, stay behind if you like.
Misty: With pleasure.
Ash runs into the forest in search of Metapod, only to be caught in a trap hole in the ground!
Ash: Shit! Who put this here?!
Suddenly the beedrill descend upon him and sting him until he is unconscious.
Ash wakes up in a small clearing in the forest, tied to a tree.
Ash: What the hell?! Where am I?
Suddenly Romero appears.
Romero: Oh hello. I am making a sequel to the incredible FPS Daikatana. And you will model as a new character, he will be called... CAPTAIN FIDDLESTICKS!
Ash: Dear God no!
Romero pulls out some cameras and PC.
Romero: Let's get started shall we? Bwahahahaha!
Ash: Ahhhhhhhh!
Back with the other two "heroes"...
Mr. Cream: I'm telling you Misty, this won't work!
Misty: Sure it will! All I have to do is get Romero to thing he's going to get to score with me, and then I shove this (Pulls out a normal looking dildo) up his ass!
Mr. Cream: And what if he likes it?
Misty: That's why I have this! (Pulls out a remote control with a button and presses the button, causing a series of spikes to emerge from the end of the dildo)
Mr. Cream: Ouch! Alright, if you think it will work...
Back at Romero's clearing...
Ash: Nooo! Help!
Romero: Your model is almost complete! Bwahahaha!
Suddenly Misty appears.
Misty: Ooh, Mr. Romero, you're so hot and sexy! Will you do me, please?!
Romero is naked faster than Misty knew possible, and tries to go down on Misty.
Misty shoves the dildo in.
Romero: Agh, ooh! Kinky!
Misty presses the button.
Romero: Ahhh! Ahh, ahh, ahhh, ohh yeah baby! Oh God yes!
Misty: Oh my God you like that?!
Mr. Cream: Time for plan B!
Mr. Cream runs out of the woods and rams a pike through Romero's skull.
Misty: Now why didn't I think of that?
Mr. Cream: Because you're a dumb bitch.
Misty: Shut the hell up!
Ash: Hahahaha! Hey untie me dammit!
Mr. Cream unties Ash.
Ash: Hey my Metapod is by that tree! Kick ass!
Mr. Cream slips with the pike and cuts the Metapod open.
Ash: God dammit! You killed it!
Mr. Cream: No I didn't! Look!
A butterfree emerges from the metapod shell.
Ash: Alright! A butterfree!
Suddenly the swarm of beedrill arrive.
Beedrill: Oh my God! You killed Romero! You bastards! We will kill you all!
Ash: Butterfree, do your, ummm, oh God dammit...
Misty: Ash use the stun spore!
Ash: Right! Butterfree, stun spore!
Butterfree does stun spore, and kills all of the beedrill.
Mr. Cream: Why did stun spore kill them?
Ash: I dunno, but I like it!
Mr. Cream: Well Ash, it's been fun, but I must leave. Perhaps we'll battle again someday. But right now I have a lot of dick to suck, so bye! (Runs off)
Ash: Did he just say that...
Misty: ...he had a lot of dick to suck?
And so ends another wacky adventure! What will happen next time?! Wait and see!
Episode 03 - What's a Bug?
Ash: Well, damn, that was easy. Good job Pikachu! You're one hell of a slave.
Pikachu: Pika! (Soon I will kill you.)
Ash: Ooook. Anyway...
Misty suddenly smashes through the door of the Pokemon Center.
Misty: Why the hell did you steal my bike?!
Ash: Pikachu was hurt! And I wasn't thinking straight! Anyway, it's right there. Take it.
Misty picks up the bike, and it turns into dust for no apparent reason.
Misty: What the hell?!
Ash: I swear I don't know how that happened!
Misty: I'm going to follow you around and annoy you until you buy me a new bike!
Ash's pants start to bulge a bit.
Ash: Ok! Well, I'm going to Pewter City through the Viridian Forest. Tag along if you want.
Misty: Grrr, fine!
Later, walking through Viridian Forest...
Pikachu: Pika pika! (You shall pay for the sins of mankind with your Blood.)
Ash: Pikachu what the hell is the matter with you?! Why would you say that?
Misty: Ewww, it's sticky and gooey!
Ash: I got something sticky and gooey for yah!
Misty: Gross!
Pikachu: Pika! (The unholy wrath of demon shall consume your Flesh.)
Misty: Ash, what did he just say to me?
Ash: You don't want to know...
Suddenly a caterpie appears.
Caterpie: {Random bug noises}
Ash: Yes! Another to force my eternal will upon! Pikachu, attack!
Pikachu: Pika! (One thousand ghosts shall awaken to the destruction of your Soul.)
Ash: Umm, just weaken it ok? Don't annihilate it.
Pikachu shocks Caterpie and Ash captures it.
Ash: Hooray! I got a caterpie!
Pikachu: Pika pika! (Soon the wrath of SaTaN shall consume us all!)
Ash: That's it.
Ash beats Pikachu with a stick. A giant red specter flies away from Pikachu's slightly battered body.
Pikachu: Pika! (Free, free at last!)
Ash: Calm down slave.
Pikachu: Pika... (Wait, no, not free..)
Misty: Ash, umm, why is Pikachu bald?
Ash: Nurse Joy did that to him for some weird reason. She said it's the latest style.
Ash lets Caterpie out.
Caterpie: (clutches Misty's leg and starts to hump it) {Bug noises}
Misty: Ewww! Gross!
Ash: Aww c'mon Misty. That just means he likes you. *mumble* Lucky ass bug *mumble*
Misty: What was that?
Ash: Nothing. Hey what's that over there?
Suddenly another caterpie appears.
Misty: Ewww! Die die! (stomps on caterpie until it's battered beyond death)
Ash: Misty! What the hell?!
Misty: Oops. Heh heh. Oh well.
Ash: Anyway, we need to set up camp. It's starting to get dark. I only have one sleeping bag with me, so...
Misty: I brought my own you pervert.
Ash: Dammit! Anyway, Caterpie return! (Caterpie is sucked back into the pokéball)
Misty: Umm, how does that ball work anyway?
Ash: What do you mean?
Misty: It shoots this red light thing and the pokémon is magically sucked in! How?!
Ash: I...I really don't know! What the hell? (examines the ball carefully) It looks like regular old plastic. I wonder...
Ash and Misty both get in their sleeping bags, ready for slumber.
Ash's sleeping bag has a mysterious bump moving up and down underneath it.
Ash: Oh yes! Keep on rubbin' it Misty. Oh man...
Misty wakes up and rolls over.
Misty: Ash! Eww!
Ash: Gah! I wasn't doing anything, I swear!
Misty: Riiight. Anyway, stop it and go to sleep. (falls back asleep)
Ash: Ohhh yeah. Oh God yes.
And so the night went on. The next morning came. [No pun intended.]
Ash: Ahh, up bright and early!
Suddenly Jesse and James leap from the bushes.
James: To protect the world from (Pikachu starts to charge up electricity.) Ahh!
Jesse and James run away.
Pikachu: Pika! (That's right bitch!)
Misty: (wakes up) Was that Team Rocket? (yawns)
Ash: Yeah, they suck. They suck more than Gary. Gary sucks balls. Don't you agree?
Misty: Who is Gary?
Ash: Ahh nevermind.
Misty: No, seriously, I want to know. Who is Gary?
Ash: Don't worry about it.
Misty: God dammit who the fuck is Gary?!
Ash: Ok, ok, geez.
Misty: Well?
Ash: Well what?
Misty: Who is Gary?
Ash: Gary?
Misty: Yes, Gary. Who is he?
Ash: Oh him. Yeah.
Misty: So?
Ash: So, what?
Misty: WHO THE FUCK IS GARY?!?!
Ash: He's a bastard pokémon trainer who's actually better than me in every way, but because he is a smug son-of-a-bitch I'm going to win out anyway, because of the primitively stupid level of symbolism in this children's cartoon.
Misty: Oh. I hate that Gary.
Ash: Exactly. Oh, and you're the preteen who's almost old enough to be nailed and is thus the focus of many a hentai artist. But, despite your beauty and apparent sluttiness, you never actually have sex with anyone even though this is against your nature, because sex is evil and bad, and that's symbolic of your...goodness. Wait, let me start over!
Misty: Shut up Ash.
Ash: And I'm the immature childish boy who must grow up in this classic Epic style story, despite the fact that real epics don't have episodes, or little monsters, and they always have a cool ogre that smashes people's brains. Or something like that. Anyway, back to enslaving innocent animals to serve my dark ambitions.
Misty: Ash, shut up, now.
Ash: Hey, a pidgeotto!
A pidgeotto walks onto the scene.
Misty: Ash.
Ash: Yeah?
Misty: How did you know that it was going to appear?
Ash: Know what was going to appear?
Misty: The pidgeotto. It appeared after you said you saw it. Not before.
Ash: Oh.
Misty: Well?
Ash: Well what?
Misty: How did you know?
Ash: Umm, magic? How the fuck should I know?
Misty: Grrr. Hey, do you know what I want?
The pidgeotto, being amazingly stupid, just sits there while they talk.
Ash: What do you want?
Misty: A puppy.
Ash: What's a puppy?
Misty: You know, like a young dog.
Ash: You mean a dog-type pokémon? Yeah me too.
Misty: No! A dog!
Ash: What the hell is a dog?
Misty: You know. A furry mammal. It has a big jaw. It's very playful.
Ash: You mean a Growlithe?
Misty: No you idiot! A dog! D-O-G!
Ash: (laughing) And where might I find this magical "dog"?
Misty: Shut up, just shut up!
Ash: Anyway, it's time for me to do something so obviously amazingly stupid! Caterpie go!
Caterpie appears.
Ash: Caterpie, attack!
Misty: Ash, bug-type pokémon are weak against bird-type pokémon! And bugs are gross.
Ash: What's a bug?
Misty: (sighs) Nevermind.
Caterpie: {Random bug noises}
Ash: Caterpie, use....umm....fight attack!
Caterpie: (stares at Ash stupidly)
Ash: Go on. Do...the thing. I know you can do it!
Caterpie: (stares at Ash stupidly)
Ash: Umm....tackle attack?
Caterpie: (tackles Pidgeotto)
Ash: It worked! Hooray! I win! (captures Pidgeotto)
Misty: (sigh) Why did I follow him?
And so ends Chapter 3. What awaits our "heroes"? Who knows? I don't!
Pikachu: Pika! (Soon I will kill you.)
Ash: Ooook. Anyway...
Misty suddenly smashes through the door of the Pokemon Center.
Misty: Why the hell did you steal my bike?!
Ash: Pikachu was hurt! And I wasn't thinking straight! Anyway, it's right there. Take it.
Misty picks up the bike, and it turns into dust for no apparent reason.
Misty: What the hell?!
Ash: I swear I don't know how that happened!
Misty: I'm going to follow you around and annoy you until you buy me a new bike!
Ash's pants start to bulge a bit.
Ash: Ok! Well, I'm going to Pewter City through the Viridian Forest. Tag along if you want.
Misty: Grrr, fine!
Later, walking through Viridian Forest...
Pikachu: Pika pika! (You shall pay for the sins of mankind with your Blood.)
Ash: Pikachu what the hell is the matter with you?! Why would you say that?
Misty: Ewww, it's sticky and gooey!
Ash: I got something sticky and gooey for yah!
Misty: Gross!
Pikachu: Pika! (The unholy wrath of demon shall consume your Flesh.)
Misty: Ash, what did he just say to me?
Ash: You don't want to know...
Suddenly a caterpie appears.
Caterpie: {Random bug noises}
Ash: Yes! Another to force my eternal will upon! Pikachu, attack!
Pikachu: Pika! (One thousand ghosts shall awaken to the destruction of your Soul.)
Ash: Umm, just weaken it ok? Don't annihilate it.
Pikachu shocks Caterpie and Ash captures it.
Ash: Hooray! I got a caterpie!
Pikachu: Pika pika! (Soon the wrath of SaTaN shall consume us all!)
Ash: That's it.
Ash beats Pikachu with a stick. A giant red specter flies away from Pikachu's slightly battered body.
Pikachu: Pika! (Free, free at last!)
Ash: Calm down slave.
Pikachu: Pika... (Wait, no, not free..)
Misty: Ash, umm, why is Pikachu bald?
Ash: Nurse Joy did that to him for some weird reason. She said it's the latest style.
Ash lets Caterpie out.
Caterpie: (clutches Misty's leg and starts to hump it) {Bug noises}
Misty: Ewww! Gross!
Ash: Aww c'mon Misty. That just means he likes you. *mumble* Lucky ass bug *mumble*
Misty: What was that?
Ash: Nothing. Hey what's that over there?
Suddenly another caterpie appears.
Misty: Ewww! Die die! (stomps on caterpie until it's battered beyond death)
Ash: Misty! What the hell?!
Misty: Oops. Heh heh. Oh well.
Ash: Anyway, we need to set up camp. It's starting to get dark. I only have one sleeping bag with me, so...
Misty: I brought my own you pervert.
Ash: Dammit! Anyway, Caterpie return! (Caterpie is sucked back into the pokéball)
Misty: Umm, how does that ball work anyway?
Ash: What do you mean?
Misty: It shoots this red light thing and the pokémon is magically sucked in! How?!
Ash: I...I really don't know! What the hell? (examines the ball carefully) It looks like regular old plastic. I wonder...
Ash and Misty both get in their sleeping bags, ready for slumber.
Ash's sleeping bag has a mysterious bump moving up and down underneath it.
Ash: Oh yes! Keep on rubbin' it Misty. Oh man...
Misty wakes up and rolls over.
Misty: Ash! Eww!
Ash: Gah! I wasn't doing anything, I swear!
Misty: Riiight. Anyway, stop it and go to sleep. (falls back asleep)
Ash: Ohhh yeah. Oh God yes.
And so the night went on. The next morning came. [No pun intended.]
Ash: Ahh, up bright and early!
Suddenly Jesse and James leap from the bushes.
James: To protect the world from (Pikachu starts to charge up electricity.) Ahh!
Jesse and James run away.
Pikachu: Pika! (That's right bitch!)
Misty: (wakes up) Was that Team Rocket? (yawns)
Ash: Yeah, they suck. They suck more than Gary. Gary sucks balls. Don't you agree?
Misty: Who is Gary?
Ash: Ahh nevermind.
Misty: No, seriously, I want to know. Who is Gary?
Ash: Don't worry about it.
Misty: God dammit who the fuck is Gary?!
Ash: Ok, ok, geez.
Misty: Well?
Ash: Well what?
Misty: Who is Gary?
Ash: Gary?
Misty: Yes, Gary. Who is he?
Ash: Oh him. Yeah.
Misty: So?
Ash: So, what?
Misty: WHO THE FUCK IS GARY?!?!
Ash: He's a bastard pokémon trainer who's actually better than me in every way, but because he is a smug son-of-a-bitch I'm going to win out anyway, because of the primitively stupid level of symbolism in this children's cartoon.
Misty: Oh. I hate that Gary.
Ash: Exactly. Oh, and you're the preteen who's almost old enough to be nailed and is thus the focus of many a hentai artist. But, despite your beauty and apparent sluttiness, you never actually have sex with anyone even though this is against your nature, because sex is evil and bad, and that's symbolic of your...goodness. Wait, let me start over!
Misty: Shut up Ash.
Ash: And I'm the immature childish boy who must grow up in this classic Epic style story, despite the fact that real epics don't have episodes, or little monsters, and they always have a cool ogre that smashes people's brains. Or something like that. Anyway, back to enslaving innocent animals to serve my dark ambitions.
Misty: Ash, shut up, now.
Ash: Hey, a pidgeotto!
A pidgeotto walks onto the scene.
Misty: Ash.
Ash: Yeah?
Misty: How did you know that it was going to appear?
Ash: Know what was going to appear?
Misty: The pidgeotto. It appeared after you said you saw it. Not before.
Ash: Oh.
Misty: Well?
Ash: Well what?
Misty: How did you know?
Ash: Umm, magic? How the fuck should I know?
Misty: Grrr. Hey, do you know what I want?
The pidgeotto, being amazingly stupid, just sits there while they talk.
Ash: What do you want?
Misty: A puppy.
Ash: What's a puppy?
Misty: You know, like a young dog.
Ash: You mean a dog-type pokémon? Yeah me too.
Misty: No! A dog!
Ash: What the hell is a dog?
Misty: You know. A furry mammal. It has a big jaw. It's very playful.
Ash: You mean a Growlithe?
Misty: No you idiot! A dog! D-O-G!
Ash: (laughing) And where might I find this magical "dog"?
Misty: Shut up, just shut up!
Ash: Anyway, it's time for me to do something so obviously amazingly stupid! Caterpie go!
Caterpie appears.
Ash: Caterpie, attack!
Misty: Ash, bug-type pokémon are weak against bird-type pokémon! And bugs are gross.
Ash: What's a bug?
Misty: (sighs) Nevermind.
Caterpie: {Random bug noises}
Ash: Caterpie, use....umm....fight attack!
Caterpie: (stares at Ash stupidly)
Ash: Go on. Do...the thing. I know you can do it!
Caterpie: (stares at Ash stupidly)
Ash: Umm....tackle attack?
Caterpie: (tackles Pidgeotto)
Ash: It worked! Hooray! I win! (captures Pidgeotto)
Misty: (sigh) Why did I follow him?
And so ends Chapter 3. What awaits our "heroes"? Who knows? I don't!
Episode 02 - Our Kill
Ash: (wearing protective rubber gloves which his mom packed for no apparent reason) Dammit, Pikachu. You're my slave! Obey me! Don't make me beat you with a stick!
Pikachu: Pika! [You suck!] (starts to walk on his own)
Ash: Damn right. Now, to find a pokemon for me to capture and make my slave.
A pidgey walks up to Ash and stares at him stupidly.
Ash: Yes! Now's my chance. I'll use a pokeball instead of just grabbing the stupid thing which obviously doesn't know I am a threat.
Pidgey: (turns its head sideways in confusion) Pidgey?
Ash: (throws ball at Pidgey, injuring the bird and casuing it to slowly wobble away) Damn! What did I do wrong?
Pikachu: (laughing) Pika! [What a dick!]
Pokédex: Any dumbass knows that one must weaken a pokemon before attempting capture.
Ash: Damn. Fine then.
The same pidgey walks back up to Ash and stares at him stupidly again.
Ash: Weaken? Ok! (stomps on the pidgey repeatedly)
Pidgey: (dies in a bloody mess)
Ash: Aww dammit! What did I do wrong now?
Pokédex: Also, do not kill the pokémon you want to capture. Corpses do very poorly in battle.
A spearow walks up to Ash.
Spearow: Spearow spearow spearow! [You suck! If you hurt me, my buddies and I will kick your sorry ass!]
Pikachu: (laughing) Pika pika! [Please do! He's God awful!]
Ash: Shut up Pikachu! (kicks Spearow)
Spearow: Spearow! [Ow! You whore! You will suffer our wrath!]
Flock of spearowss attack Ash.
Ash: Ouch! Shit! My spleen! Oh my God!
One of the spearows hurts Pikachu.
Pikachu: Pika! [You bitch! You die now!] (shoots a ton of electricity onto everyone)
Dead spearows litter the ground.
Ash: Kick ass dude! (grabs a spearow and starts to eat it)
Random Person: Son, I'm with an organization called PETA...
Government swat team shows up and drags the person away screaming in an orgy of blood and violence.
Ash: Thank goodness for the government! Now back to eating my kill.
Pikachu: Pika! [My kill you mean, ass!]
Ash: Ok, Pikachu. OUR kill.
Pikachu: Pika Pika! [No you idiot! MY kill! M-Y!]
Ash: (grabs a stick and beats Pikachu senselessly with it) Oh shit. What have I done?! Now I'll never become the number one master! Never! (starts crying like a girl)
Pikachu: (moans in pain) Pika...
Ash: I gotta get you to a hospital fast or you might die and not serve my dark will! (starts running in a random direction and bumps into Misty fishing)
Misty: Hey what the hell?!
Ash: No time to explain! Emergency! (steals Misty's bike and runs off with it)
Misty: Hey you asshole! (chases after Ash)
Ash: (rides into the hospital that was only fifty feet away that he could've just ran to) You gotta help my pokémon! He's hurt!
Nurse Joy: Oh hello! Would you like to try a value meal?
Ash: What the hell?! This is a hospital!
Nurse Joy: Oh that's right! I forgot! Silly me! (giggles)
Ash: Grr. Anyway, I need my pokémon treated right away.
Nurse Joy: Would you like fries with that?
Ash: No! Well actually, yes.
Nurse Joy: Right this way.
Ash follows Nurse Joy into a hospital room.
Nurse Joy: Hand me the pikachu and wait a few moments.
Ash complies, and Nurse Joy walks into the room and closes the door.
Sounds of various drills, saws, and sanding tools can be heard.
A loud thump is heard and a cat meows in pain.
Nurse Joy: (comes back out with Pikachu) There yah go. Good as new!
Ash: Good as new? He's a bloody mess! And he's bald!
Nurse Joy: Bald is the latest pokémon style!
Ash: Well at least heal him.
Nurse Joy: Oh, so that's what you wanted! Ok. (sprays Pikachu with a liquid and makes him completely healed)
Ash: Wow! Can I have some of that stuff?
Nurse Joy: Nope. Restricted use only!
Ash: Oh well. (loud crash is heard) Hey what's that?
Suddenly two mysterious strangers in gay jumpsuits with giant letters TR on them appear.
Jesse: To protect the world from infestation.
James: To unite all peoples within our nation.
Jesse: To denounce the evils of life and truth.
James: To have sex with that hottie named Ruthe.
Jesse: James!
James: Well she is hot!
Jesse: Team Rocket blast off at the speed of light!
James: Surrender now or prepare to fight!
Meowth: That's right!
Ash: My God! And I was always taught that homosexuals weren't real!
James: We are not gay!
Ash: Then why are you wearing a gay jumpsuit?
James: Because Jesse won't let me touch her (gets smacked by Jesse) umm, because I like it.
Ash: Oooook. Anyway, Pikachu, go kill them.
Pikachu: Pika! (shocks Team Rocket)
Jesse: Good God! I'm going to be in intensive care for months! It hurts it burns!
James: I can't feel my legs! The agony!
Meowth: Goodbye cruel world...
Ash: Well we sure showed them.
Pikachu: Pika! [You suck!] (starts to walk on his own)
Ash: Damn right. Now, to find a pokemon for me to capture and make my slave.
A pidgey walks up to Ash and stares at him stupidly.
Ash: Yes! Now's my chance. I'll use a pokeball instead of just grabbing the stupid thing which obviously doesn't know I am a threat.
Pidgey: (turns its head sideways in confusion) Pidgey?
Ash: (throws ball at Pidgey, injuring the bird and casuing it to slowly wobble away) Damn! What did I do wrong?
Pikachu: (laughing) Pika! [What a dick!]
Pokédex: Any dumbass knows that one must weaken a pokemon before attempting capture.
Ash: Damn. Fine then.
The same pidgey walks back up to Ash and stares at him stupidly again.
Ash: Weaken? Ok! (stomps on the pidgey repeatedly)
Pidgey: (dies in a bloody mess)
Ash: Aww dammit! What did I do wrong now?
Pokédex: Also, do not kill the pokémon you want to capture. Corpses do very poorly in battle.
A spearow walks up to Ash.
Spearow: Spearow spearow spearow! [You suck! If you hurt me, my buddies and I will kick your sorry ass!]
Pikachu: (laughing) Pika pika! [Please do! He's God awful!]
Ash: Shut up Pikachu! (kicks Spearow)
Spearow: Spearow! [Ow! You whore! You will suffer our wrath!]
Flock of spearowss attack Ash.
Ash: Ouch! Shit! My spleen! Oh my God!
One of the spearows hurts Pikachu.
Pikachu: Pika! [You bitch! You die now!] (shoots a ton of electricity onto everyone)
Dead spearows litter the ground.
Ash: Kick ass dude! (grabs a spearow and starts to eat it)
Random Person: Son, I'm with an organization called PETA...
Government swat team shows up and drags the person away screaming in an orgy of blood and violence.
Ash: Thank goodness for the government! Now back to eating my kill.
Pikachu: Pika! [My kill you mean, ass!]
Ash: Ok, Pikachu. OUR kill.
Pikachu: Pika Pika! [No you idiot! MY kill! M-Y!]
Ash: (grabs a stick and beats Pikachu senselessly with it) Oh shit. What have I done?! Now I'll never become the number one master! Never! (starts crying like a girl)
Pikachu: (moans in pain) Pika...
Ash: I gotta get you to a hospital fast or you might die and not serve my dark will! (starts running in a random direction and bumps into Misty fishing)
Misty: Hey what the hell?!
Ash: No time to explain! Emergency! (steals Misty's bike and runs off with it)
Misty: Hey you asshole! (chases after Ash)
Ash: (rides into the hospital that was only fifty feet away that he could've just ran to) You gotta help my pokémon! He's hurt!
Nurse Joy: Oh hello! Would you like to try a value meal?
Ash: What the hell?! This is a hospital!
Nurse Joy: Oh that's right! I forgot! Silly me! (giggles)
Ash: Grr. Anyway, I need my pokémon treated right away.
Nurse Joy: Would you like fries with that?
Ash: No! Well actually, yes.
Nurse Joy: Right this way.
Ash follows Nurse Joy into a hospital room.
Nurse Joy: Hand me the pikachu and wait a few moments.
Ash complies, and Nurse Joy walks into the room and closes the door.
Sounds of various drills, saws, and sanding tools can be heard.
A loud thump is heard and a cat meows in pain.
Nurse Joy: (comes back out with Pikachu) There yah go. Good as new!
Ash: Good as new? He's a bloody mess! And he's bald!
Nurse Joy: Bald is the latest pokémon style!
Ash: Well at least heal him.
Nurse Joy: Oh, so that's what you wanted! Ok. (sprays Pikachu with a liquid and makes him completely healed)
Ash: Wow! Can I have some of that stuff?
Nurse Joy: Nope. Restricted use only!
Ash: Oh well. (loud crash is heard) Hey what's that?
Suddenly two mysterious strangers in gay jumpsuits with giant letters TR on them appear.
Jesse: To protect the world from infestation.
James: To unite all peoples within our nation.
Jesse: To denounce the evils of life and truth.
James: To have sex with that hottie named Ruthe.
Jesse: James!
James: Well she is hot!
Jesse: Team Rocket blast off at the speed of light!
James: Surrender now or prepare to fight!
Meowth: That's right!
Ash: My God! And I was always taught that homosexuals weren't real!
James: We are not gay!
Ash: Then why are you wearing a gay jumpsuit?
James: Because Jesse won't let me touch her (gets smacked by Jesse) umm, because I like it.
Ash: Oooook. Anyway, Pikachu, go kill them.
Pikachu: Pika! (shocks Team Rocket)
Jesse: Good God! I'm going to be in intensive care for months! It hurts it burns!
James: I can't feel my legs! The agony!
Meowth: Goodbye cruel world...
Ash: Well we sure showed them.
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